I’m was a luncheon party for a friend’s birthday recently. We were packed into a small room in a tiny terrace cafe in a middle suburb of Melbourne, waiters weaving around us. The walls resounded with waves of conversation and laughter from some dozen women, there to help our host celebrate her half-century milestone. Most of us met her when our children went to the same primary school together, some even when their children went to playgroup together.
I knew almost all the women at the table. The few I hadn’t met, I quickly got to know. It was very easy to find shared interests—we spent the better part of three hours talking about teenagers and school performance, teenagers and alcohol, teenagers and relationships. We took a short break to enjoy the food. Then we moved on to teenagers and attitude. Coffee. Teenagers who appeared to lack purpose.
The woman who was sitting across from me is a clinical psychologist. We talked about some of the clients she sees; a fair few disenfranchised kids whose parents were trying to be good friends with them rather than setting clear boundaries; lonely young mums who have no support network. She then talked about some of her own parenting challenges. The way she responded sounded firm, fair, loving. I felt an immediate connection.
I told her about my recent experience of travelling to Ikaria in Greece, ‘The Island Where People Forget to Die’, to research a new book. There, I noticed that it was common for several generations to socialise together, even if they weren’t related. It was fairly common for grandparents and grandchildren to live in the same home. Village squares echoed with the sound of dozens of kids playing together each night, with adults both young and old watching over them. The elders there are renowned for having a strong sense of purpose. And it’s reflected in the depression rates—almost non-existent for Ikaria’s elderly. Perhaps I’m being naïve, but it seems as if it’s harder for people of all ages to feel lonely in such an environment. Hard to feel disconnected and disenfranchised.
My new friend agreed. She pointed out that there’s compelling research to suggest that making meaningful connections with those around us leads to a longer, more fulfilling life. She talked about how some of her husband's extended family in Slovenia found her profession perplexing—they couldn’t really understand why so many people needed to access psychologists. Business was booming for her, she said wryly. She wasn’t bragging. It was just an unfortunate fact.
On leaving, we exchanged email addresses. She promised to send me an article on how a lack of village-like structures puts all sorts of pressures on us, particularly for those of us who are ‘trying to do it all’ – working, parenting, looking after aging parents and trying to stay on top of our own mental and physical health. She also suggested I read Dan Buettner’s Thrive.
After I got her email, I sent one back saying that I had used some of the learnings in Buettner’s book to frame my soon-to-be-released memoir on how to live as well as we can, every day, a little more like the Ikarians; all the while fostering a sense of connection to others and ourselves. I asked if she had heard of Ariana Huffington’s Thrive, which also covers the themes we both seem so interested in.
And so our small connection, made over a long, gregarious lunch, was fostered. Even if it doesn’t go beyond a few emails, I’m glad to have met this woman—a kindred spirit of sorts where we talked ideas and shared interests over our pressed lamb backstraps and grilled salmon with sautéd broccolini.
So I’m taking a few moments to raise my glass in a toast: here’s to being invited to more mid-life birthdays (and perhaps a few full-century ones too!); to celebrating having a good belly laugh with great friends despite our daily challenges; and finally, to more chance encounters that lead to meaningful connections.
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